Wordless Wednesday

Why I love xkcd

1 part old meme + 1 part CSI Miami = Pretty fucking cool. Seriously, the only thing he missed was a final panel that referenced this.

Never thought I'd say this but....

I gained weight and I'm happy about it! My appetite seemed to pick up a bit while I was on vacation, and I amassed an additional 1.5 pounds. I'm sure some of the gain can be attributed to beer/margaritas/etc. but I'll take it. It's better than looking at what felt like a precipitous drop every week.

We're back

I'll probably blog more of the details later, but I think the high point was that my health held out for almost the whole trip.

Most of it was like this:




Some was like this:



Only the last two days were like this:

Beunos Dias!

I´d post pictures, but we forgot to bring a card reader. Anyway, it´s another lovely day of 80 degree plus weather. Today, we´re going to skip the Mango Deck and it´s boozes and just snorkel all day. I am feeling great, and I have a spiffy new soccer jersey from team Chivas. There´s a story behind it, which I will tell later, but suffice to say I was strongly and repeatedly encourage NOT to wear my team CA shirt in Cabo.

See you all...

When I get back from here. I'll be thinking of you while I nap in the sand.

Wordless Wednesday

I do love me some...

LegoRobot.

Mr. Brightside

I hit 211 today. I am now 4 pounds lighter than Shannon said she would allow me to get when I first told her I was serious about losing weight. Not only am I defying Shannon, which is awesome, but I am very close to secret goal I had for myself. I had said that just once more before I die I'd to weigh under 200 pounds. It's been 25 years, and it looks like I just might make it. Of course, according to the BMI index I will still be overweight, like I am now. By the way have a mentioned that BMI is bullshit?

However, after this is all done and I heal from the operation I fully intend to eat everything. Seriously, everything.

Update... or "Hey it could be worse"

Just got back from the surgeons. There were two types of tumors it could have been:

Sarcoma - Nasty and would require radiation
GIST - Still nasty, but no radition

I got the GIST, YAY!!!!!!

So here's the scoop:

A) Fuck it, I'm going to Mexico. The main effects on me so far have been decreased appetite and fatigue. I have grown tired of not being hungry and sleeping on my couch. I am going to go be not hungry and sleep on the beach.

B) Bowel cleansing on January 5th!!! Mark your calendars!!! I have to consume nothing but clear liquids (or jello) and take a SHIT TON of weird drugs at precise intervals all day. The purpose? If they need to cut and resect some bowel said bowel must be poo free.

C) Surgery January 6th. It's gonna be a big scar and I'm gonna be down for a while. Hospital stay is expected to be a week.

So.... The good news is that I get to celebrate new years and xmas. The bad news is that January is going to suck ass.

Heading of for biopsy results....

Should be back in a couple hours or so. Wish me luck.

Now this ladies and gentlemen...

is a rebel. If I could, I'd shake his hand.

Quick update or THE TRIFECTA OF PLAGUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Things tend to come in threes. I got the last one Friday. Food poisoning. 24 hours of... Well, I'm not going to go into it too much. Let's just say there hasn't been much of a line at the entrance, but the exits have been SUPER busy.

In the last 48 hours I have managed to keep down 2 bites of chicken and 2 bites of mashed potatoes.

I am going to be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO slim.

Another update

A) Pancreatitis attack is repelled! Feeling much better now. Wow, did that ever suck.
B) Actually ate breakfast for the first time in days. Mistake. Banana + oatmeal + shrunken stomach + generally f'd up guts = hours and hours of BUUUUUUURRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPP. First couple? Funny. After that, not so much.
C) Shannon sent me this. It's kind of funny. The sound is NWS so use your headphones.

Update or Holy Sh*t where did that come from?!

Well the biopsy went well and I thought I was out of the woods, at least until the test results came in.

Boy was I wrong.

I don't know if the tumor moved because of the odd and painful angle I was in and pinch my guts more, or if the pizza and beer (1.5 slices and 2 beers) I got myself as a reward was a bad idea, or some combination, or something else, but last night was NO DAMN FUN and today is not super great either.

I've had attacks of what I self diagnosed as pancreatitis before. This felt like the worst of them. Pain in the middle of my torso radiating to both sides and so bad that I needed help to leave the couch or to move from lying to sitting. Even with help pretty much every more illicted something ranging from a uncomfortable grunt to a mild scream. The thing that made it seem like maybe it wasn't pancreatitis was the fact that my whole belly was noticeably distended. Not just the top, where the tumor keeps trying to push my stomach out, but everything from the top to just about the undiscovered country. I finally made it to bed around midnight and found that rolling over to the right was a VERY bad idea. The left was OKish though so I went with that. Finally around 3 it died down enough for me to get some sleep.

It's still there today, but not as bad. I have to walk slow, as any jarring hurts. The belly is still puffy and tender but not as bad. Solid food is out of the question. I don't want to tempt fate, and I've felt a bit nauseous through this hole thing. It's almost lunch time and I'm half way through a bottle of orange juice. For dinner, I may try to make use of the smoothy kit that the hella-cool McMillers brought over (that was VERY, VERY nice. Thank you.). Yay!

If it doesn't feel significantly better tomorrow, I'll go back to Dr. Szeto and see what's up.

Wordless Wednesday

Happy fun biopsy adventure!!!!

Before



After

Another update

Biopsy is done. It was actually a piece of cake. The only hard part was lying still on my back for that long. The tumor is big enough that many sitting/lying/standing positions are uncomfortable because they exert pressure on organs or muscles. Today's lesson? Flat on my back with my arms held above my head for 30 minutes is extraordinarily painful. I never even felt any of the needly goodness.

Now for the waiting. I get to sweat it out until Monday. Yay.

Does anyone else...

... find this awesome? I'm thinking about buying a pair for around the office.

Also, this:

Quick Update

Hit 217 on Saturday. W00t! It's been years since I was that light.

I'm feeling pretty good, just really tired a lot of the time. I'm sure it's mostly due to the food thing but it's really a pain. It's like I have 2 hours a day where I'm up to the task, whatever the task may be. The rest of the time, I'm fighting the urge to crawl off somewhere and take a nap. Also, I get edgy when I'm tired. For someone who isn't known for his even temper, this is not a good thing. It's kind of a struggle to be patient and understanding, especially with people who need me to repeat things or explain them slowly. Who knows, maybe I'll get better at it?

Little bit of pain from the squished kidney, but nothing too bad. As long as I drink lots of water and don't get my heart rate up for too long it's fine. Even when it does hurt, a couple ibuprofen and I'm all set.

Biopsy is Tuesday. Basically, I lay in the scanner while a dude sticks my belly with a long needle. I don't know about you, but I can smell the awesome in the air now! Then I get to wait a week to find out what's next. I'm sure that week will just FLY by!

Staying positive

I think this process is going to be about finding small rays of light in a dark sky and focusing on them until the sun comes up (wow, that's flowery).

The tumor is large enough that it's acting in much the same way as a gastric band right now, among other things. This morning, I ate a little container of yogurt not because I was hungry but because I knew I should. A little later, I ate a bagel for the same reason. I now feel a little over full, and eating lunch is kind of out of the question. With luck, I'll have room for a small salad and/or a couple handfuls of cashews tonight, which I will try to eat not out of hunger but out of realizing that you can't keep a guy my size going long on a bagel and yogurt. Oh and water. Trying to drink lots of water, but that's not as easy as it was before either.

The ray of light? Operation skinny John has been given a boost. Though Shannon wont like it, I'd probably be a little healthier 20 or so pounds lighter than now... Now being the lightest I have been in years (my "fat" scale read 220.5 today). Losing that last 10-20 should be a cinch. Hell, the tumor itself should be a couple. As a celebration, I walked down to the shoe repair place by Pioneer Square and had them put two new holes in my belt. One for now (I needed it) and one for later. Who knows? I just might splurge and by a whole new belt!

A belated wordless Wednesday

Well actually...

It is.

Fuck.

Wish me luck.

Wordless Wednesday #3 Abandoned Concrete Plant

Yet more justification...

...for my mandatory sterilization of the stupid policy. Thanks Kelso!

Wordless Wednesday #2

Copying Mrs. McMiller yet again.

Have you seen me?

So the other day, Mrs. McMiller posts this. Me being me, the first thing I though of was this. Am I a bad person?

WARNING: If you're easily offended... or not easily offended... or still have a shred of anything decent in your soul, don't watch that video or listen to the song.

Totally copying Ms. McMiller

Wordless Wednesday

Well, this may piss off a few friends of mine but...

I'm all over this. I'm a little bit tired of feeling like a second class citizen who's being asked to pay first class taxes. Second class citizen you say? But John, you're white and straight! How much more un-second class can you get?

A lot. My wife and I have decided not to have children. The reasons for that are many and varied and not part of this discussion. However, what is part of the discussion is the fact that people like us are paying a hell of a lot for benefits we don't get, or at best only get part of.

When people take maternity leave, who pays? Those of us who can and do stay. When we need that much time off, we have one option... ask HR how much PTO you have and take it... You're not too busy covering for someone who is out on maternity leave. When kids need better schools, or money is needed to pay teachers, or safety for children needs to be improved, who pays? We all do, whether we will be using the service directly or not. There are other more minor (but still burdensome) sacrifices we are asked to make in the name of breeding, but let's boil it down... Additional population means additional cost. If I'm not contributing to the first why should I have to be encumbered with the same (or greater) share of the second as someone who is?

Don't get me wrong. While I'm not part of the "children are our future" crowd (well I guess I am but no kids = no future so...), I do realize that breeding is natural. Some folks, hell most folks, are going to do it. I also realize that the future of humanity (something I really don't care about... once I'm dead you all can knock yourselves out) lies with our offspring and thus is important to some people. I'm a good citizen. I'll pay my share for things I don't agree with if the majority of the people in my society think its a good idea. My problem? My fair share is the same or more as the people that actually have children. Listen, having kids is a choice. So is hanging out with dancing girls and riding motorcycles. No one is asking parents to help me make motorcycle payments, why are parents asking me to help pay for their kids?

Anyway, the more militant part of me agrees with Ms. Etheridge. I'll pay my taxes, but I'll just go ahead and keep the part that goes to pay for a service I will never use. Yeah, I know that will do nothing but land me in jail, but the whole thing really pisses me off. How about a break for those of us who choose not to breed? We give more to the system and take less. Doesn't it make sense? I'm not asking anyone to subsidize my lifestyle, why do I have to pay so much to subsidize someone elses?

The tax system serves two purposes. One is to raise revenue. The other is to reward "acceptable" social behavior. I'm a bit tired of not breeding being unacceptable. In my opinion, it seems to be a bit backwards right now. We're rewarding people for producing something we could use less of.

Finally, no disrespect meant to my friends who have children. I don't hate children or parents. I actually love kids. They make me happy and fill me with wonder. I'm just getting tired to constantly being asked to help pay for children I will never have. Like I said, I'll pay my share but I'd like to see a world where those who choose to have kids take on more of the cost than those who don't.

EDIT: If you're a friend of mine who is a parent, and this pisses you off.... Let's talk about it. If someone can talk me out of the mad box I'm in then great. Anyway, I don't hate you for having kids and I don't want you to hate me for not having kids.

Also, please don't bring up the "Who will be staffing your nursing home" argument. There's tons of people I don't have to pay for who could do the job, and I intend to be dead first regardless.

My liver is worth MILLIONS!!!!!!!!

Or it could be, if transformed into a super heated gas. On a related topic, I can't see or hear the word "diamonds" without thinking of this.

And I'm having a crappy day so I am going to post a funny picture that has nothing to do with anything.

This...

Early poll results are in...

John is predicting:

I'd be lying if I said...

This didn't cross my mind.

Pray hard...

Retard.

Watch this...

because it's fun.



As I've said, the left and the right are just two wings of the same bird flying above me to shit on my head. You can vote for a speech reader from one side, or from the other. What you'll get is pretty much the same.

Enjoy your "democracy".

Why an Obama presidency will suck.

Comedy is about to get a lot less fun. Seriously, how the hell can you mock either Obama or Biden? Neither of them are funny at all.

Crap. We, long with the rest of the world, will have to find something else to laugh at for the first time in 8 years.



Seriously though, isn't the prospect of a President who can string a sentence together awesome? I know he's lying to me. They all lie. But at least when people like Kennedy, Clinton, and Obama lie to you, you kinda want to think that maybe they're not.

I voted

Belly Timber

Well, I'd like to write a brilliant, in depth, descriptive review... but I'm old, tired, and drunk so you get what you get.

I picked Belly Timber because enough people who like to eat in Portland said it was worthwhile and I couldn't insist on Cava yet again. Also, a place with a name that dumb usually either sucks horribly or rules. I'm going to go ahead and say that this was one of the better decisions I've made this week.

I won't go into the entire menu to except to say that the entrees, while not super exciting, were solid and that the drinks and appetizers were inventive and inspired.

I'll go over a few highlights. You may notice a theme. I like bacon.

"Pigstrami" - Thick slices of pork belly (think super thick bacon), 2-3 inches long, cured like pastrami. Absolutely delicious. Funny, both the girls couldn't dig it so maybe it's a guy thing? Whatever, pig fat and pepper = WIN.

Bacon infused bourbon Manhattan. Small drink... for a reason. Good bourbon, infused with bacon, with just enough sweetness. It's a sipper, not something you throw down chasing a good buzz. Tastes like the most awesome breakfast ever. REALLY good when combined with the...

Stumptown coffee custard thing. Imagine a good cappuccino, but replace the coffee with a cold coffee pudding. Take a bite of this, then a sip of the bacon bourbon. Then slip into a blissful coma.

Banana pudding with a stick of candied bacon in it. DUDE CANDIED F*ING BACON!!!!!

Service. I've had world class service, and I've had awful service. Given my scale, they get a solid B+. If you narrow the scale and just compare them to Portland in general, A-. Compare them just to restaurants on Hawthorne? A++. Fairly fast, very friendly, only made one mistake. A little inattentive when compared to the best of the best, but very strong overall.

The entrees again were nothing special, but there was nothing wrong with them. I had the burger. Not as good as Cava's by a long shot. A little dry, and the veggies were sparse and pedestrian... BUT the presentation was brilliant. The fries were served with a bone marrow aioli.... served inside a hollow steak bone! It made a great looking plate.

Anyway, it's good to see something besides a pub on Hawthorne. Prices were fair, food was fun, service was solid. What's not to love?

I will now sit and digest.

Also, Robert and Brandie gave me a bottle of Shinola from Merkin Vineyards because they are awesome.

On motorcycling.... again

I had intended to fulfill a promise and start writing an ongoing story about why I love motorcycles so much.... But then I decided to check the news. I read another one of these stories. I decided to post a reply. This is it:

"As an experienced motorcyclist, this kind of story makes me really sad. It happens way too often. It sounds like a another instance of a young man buying a motorcycle he was in no way qualified to operate.

I had just ridden the road he was killed on Friday, on my KLR650. The corners are easy and flat. With proper throttle control, brake discipline, and the knowledge the comes with a few years on a bike, there's nothing challenging there even at 20MPH over the posted speed for any given corner (and that's on a motorcycle not built for high speed cornering). It's a fine, beautiful stretch of road. However, if you put a kid with no experience on a fast sport bike very bad things can happen really fast. Sounds like that's what happened here. It's really, really, sad.

Not that it's the fault of the state or the motorcycle manufacturer, but the fact that kids are able to buy something like the CBR600RR or an R6 (an example, not saying that's what he was riding) as their first bike is inexcusable. As long as these squids can get on these machines with no experience, crashes like this will continue to happen. These are powerful, high-performance bikes. They're a TON of fun, but as fast as they can put a smile on your face they can get you in over your head.

My heart goes out to the families of the rider and the folks who were in the pickup.

If you're a parent or a friend of a young guy looking at a performance bike for their first machine, I cannot urge you strongly enough to force them to start off small. I've ridden for almost 30 years now. I've seen just about everything. I can assure you that the guys who start out on small bikes, and who avail themselves of the knowledge of older riders, live longer."

Seriously, this breaks my fucking heart. Motorcycles are more fun than almost anything I can think of. Fast motorcycles are the most fun of all of them.. BUT YOU HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO RIDE FIRST. If you don't, the odds are very good that you will die. I would like to see some sort of legislation that kept inexperienced riders off high performance bikes. The bikes I mentioned have all the tools necessary to get you into and out of trouble. They are well balanced, possess decent tires and tons of power, have excellent suspension and good (if not great) brakes, and are capable of, in the hands of an experienced rider, carving canyons in a jaw-droppingly awesome way... but if no one taught you how to use them then all you know is how to get into trouble. If that's all you can do, you'll either get lucky (as I will admit I did) or wind up causing heartbreak.

And then there was one....

Well, I always hate to say goodbye to a good friend, but I'm down to one KLR. See ya on the road, pal.

The amazing shrinking John.... The finale?

My original weight goal when I started this whole stupid "Operation Skinny John" thing was 220. I never really expected to hit it, but I figured if you aim high and miss, you'll still be somewhere near the target. But what happens when you succeed where you expected to fail?

In the beginning, back when I was pushing 250, I told myself that when I hit 220 I would reward myself with KFC. If you don't know my history with fried chicken, let me just say it's not pretty. I have been known to eat myself sick on fried chicken, go to bed, and then get up at 3 in the morning because I knew there were a couple legs left in the fridge. It's bad. Seriously, I can eat 2 complete fried chickens in an evening, no problem. Give me a long night, and I might go three or four. I've never really had any addiction problems, but fried chicken has always been the chink in my armor. I can resist donuts easy. Cake, pie, etc? No problem (though I do love me some pie). I generally don't care for sweet stuff, so sugar is not a problem. I actually enjoy a spartan diet. It makes me feel tough. But damn, I get one whiff of fried chicken and I am an deep trouble fast.

Later in the "Operation Skinny John" project, I revised the goal. I told myself that at 225 I could have fried chicken. I did this because I am weak, and because I thought it would help motivate me. It did help. It drove me, it kept me focused, but... Then it happened... I hit 225. I knew I was off the hook for fried chicken, but it felt like a hollow victory. I'd won by redefining the terms of victory. That's not winning. It's bullshit. I couldn't bring myself to claim a prize I didn't really earn, so I never cashed that check.

Tonight, I was feeling fat. I'd sat at home working and playing motorcycle mechanic all day. I missed the first of my daily doubles (if you don't know what that is, ask anyone who played high school football). I got everything done and went to the gym. I did my cardio, and then did the reduced weight workout I'm doing now due to an injury. I still felt thick, but I weighed myself anyway.

220.3


That counts in my book. With things the way they are, I'd been feeling too much stress and not enough pleasure. I cashed the check. I'm now assured that I'll be able to use fried chicken responsibly (these type of things are never as good as you build them up to be), but DAMN was it good.

Anyway, Shannon has said I'm not allowed to drop below 215, so after this it will be a slow process of swapping about 10-20 pounds of fat for 10-20 pounds of muscle. That takes time, and I have a plan, but I think the days of dramatic results are over. Man, it was a fun ride and I sent it off properly.



Oh and lest anyone think I forgot about the whole raw food thing, the rest of my diet today consisted of oats, a boiled egg, carrot sticks, and cashews.

P.S. Red wine goes with chicken.... OR ANY OTHER GOD DAMN THING I WANT IT TO!!!!!

Good times tomorrow!!!!

Well, first there's this. You can read more on the technology here.

Then there's this. YAY!

Not to mention potential total free market meltdown.

Set sails for AWESOME!!!

Me Meme

* Take a picture of yourself right now.
* Don't change your clothes, don't fix your hair ... just take a picture
* Post that picture with NO editing.
* Post these instructions with your picture.

Thanks McMillers

Google like it's 2001

Wow... Here's a flashback. I found a page I made back then... and an error in it.

Your daily reminder that Obama is more in touch with "Main Street"

I loved this.

I'm not one for celebrity gossip

But DAMN Heather Locklear took one of the best celeb mugshots I've ever seen. All messed up and she STILL looks 10 years younger than she is. Well played sister!

Raw Foodism

Anyone else spend any time thinking about this? Normally, I'm the first guy in line to make fun of anything remotely new-agey, hippy, whatever... But this kind of makes sense to me.

The main benefits of cooking food, as I understand it, are to render possibly unsafe food safer and to make tough foods easier to digest, thus giving you more bang for your buck. That's awesome.... If you're living in a time and place where getting every last bit of calorie content out of every last bit of food you eat is vital. If you lose a few vitamins, so be it.

Well, we live in a time where the safe food is pretty easy to get in quantity (for some of us) and where we actually have to think about not eating too much (say what you want retro-grouches but that's a pretty awesome problem to have). Doesn't it make sense to maybe give up the extra stuff needed for growth you get when you cook food for the extra over all health benefits you get when you don't? At least some of the time? I'm not going to give up cooked grains or cooked meat (or raw meat) ever, but I think working towards a goal of having at least half of the food I eat on any given day be raw, or at least not processed, can't possibly be a bad thing.

I was wondering how long this would take...

The economy continues to melt down, we're teetering on the edge of a new cold war, energy prices are through the roof with a very cold winter being forecast and what do we hear from the white house?

C'mon, like you didn't know.

Never forget.

From the "How to do it right" department

I just found this blog entry. I still feel the same way. I won the game.

Why I love the interwebs

1) Because it's a series of tubes
2) Tonight's conversation (while watching The Prophecy II):

Shannon: That's Jennifer Beal!
John: (Thinking of whoever that chick in dirty dancing was) Shannon, you known dick about movies. That's not Jennifer Beal. Bow before the sophisticated movie knowledge of John.
Shannon: Look it up.
John: DO YOU DOUBT THE JOHN!!!!???!!! OK. I WILL!!

Moments later...

John: fuck.
Shannon: Yeah dude, you're buying breakfast.

Need some storage?

Like 2 gigs? Free? SUPER easy to use? Mac, Linux, Windows?

Get yourself some dropbox. I use it. I love it. It makes me happy.

Good idea of the day.

While I'd LOVE to see this, I'd be happy with enforcement of existing leash laws... rather than rewarding violators by reducing the amount of park area available to people who don't enjoy being molested by off leash dogs by granting it to dog owners who don't use it anyway and continue to act is if the laws don't exist. Subsidizing crime? BRILLIANT!!!

A bridge to the 19th century

You know what I hate about America (well, one thing)? That living in the day and age we do, half of us think that putting people who either don't use computers or think that unencrypted public mail services are fine for state business in charge is a GREAT idea because they love Jesus.

I cannot say this enough times.... We should gas the Midwest, get rid of everything there, and turn it over to giant robot farming machines to make us fuel and tasty snacks.

Oh, in case your wondering what kind of stuff winds up in the inbox of someone who claims to know the will of God, here.

Random observation about candy

I just ate a cherry cordial. I was reading the little tag on it that said "cherry cordial" when it occurred to me that while the candy did have a cherry taste to it, it was not cordial. This candy was not particularly friendly. Sure, it wasn't rude or mean... but it didn't give me a heart felt "Hey John, how are you?", or a smile, or a pat on the back... nothing. Actually, I got the distinct impression that this candy really didn't care about me at all. It's not that I blame the candy for it's ambivalence. Quite the contrary, I think ambivalence is the best I could hope for from something I'm going to eat. I'm lucky I didn't get a "cherry malevolent"... But then why call it a "cordial"? Why not a "cherry ambivalent", or as the kids would say a "cherry meh"?

Stupid inaccurate candy names. Now that I think of it, this problem is HUGE! If you open a Three Musketeers, I'll bet there aren't three chocolate covered little french sword guys in there. Mars? Sure, nuts and sweet goodness, but no extraterrestrial ANYTHING. Jolly Ranchers are neither ranchers nor particularly jolly. WTF?!

Read this... FOR SCIENCE!!! (A poll)

First, let me state for the record that I love showers. Well maybe not showers so much as the way you feel when you get out of the shower and you're all clean. You really can't get that without taking a shower, so I take a lot of showers. Today, as I was taking shower number two, I started thinking. "John, I wonder... how many showers do other people take in a day? Are you obsessive when it comes to showers? Does it matter?". So in the interest of satisfying my curiosity, and to add to my growing body of evidence that girls are stinky and have cooties, do me a favor. Leave a comment (either with your name or anonymously if you're ashamed of being filthy) with how many times a day you shower.

I will start.

During the week, I usually take 3 showers a day. Because I value cleanliness.

LHC Webcam

For those of you who are interested in this cool piece of science, here's a webcam from the LHC

Does it strike anyone else as awesome...

that we live in an age where I can sit on my fat ass, drinking a glass of wine, and see something like this?

Sometimes, for fun, I think about what I would say if I had to describe the age I live in to someone living 200 years ago. "Yeah dude, I can sit on my ass in my house and watch storms on Mars". "Yeah, well... I have a horse".

I'm getting old.

I remember when I first heard Metallica. I was a lad of 15, and they had not really broken in the US. A guy from Canada I was skiing with played Ride the Lightning for me and I was blown away. I had never heard anything played with that kind of speed and aggression before and I was hooked. I was a huge Metallica fan up till the black album, when I kind of lost interest. After that, I would hear some of their newer stuff from time to time. It just got weaker and more diluted. I moved on to other music, and apparently they moved on too.... to the mall.

Obama a pedophile?

Well, seems that's what the McCain/Mrs. Jesus camp would have you believe. Classy.

Career Planning

I believe I have found my next job. Based on my many qualifications, I will be throwing my hat in the ring to become the next king of Swaziland.

I like turtles!

Yeah, I'm a little late to the party but this kid is my new hero.

Anyway, that's all I have right now.

Sorry.

My wife...

Fuck yeah, dude. We ARE rock and roll.

Why I might begin...

...to agree with Fred Phelps and his bunch, at least when it comes to America.

This is news. Folks, we truly live in a golden age. Behold the birth of the cult of the teenage baby mama.

Abstinence only sex education! It works for Jesus, it works for America.

Attacking John McCain

Kind of hard to say bad stuff about a guy who sacrificed that much for his country, and was a bad ass fighter pilot. Hell, the majority of my problem with him is his friends not necessarily him.

Knowing that this is true, the folks at somethingawful have made it much easier but creating the John McCain Honorable Attack Generator. Reload the page for a new one.

A little background on my neighbors

My post the other day mentioned that I am now living next door to juggalos. I neglected to address the fact that some of you might not be familiar with these fine examples of what humans can be when they follow their dreams.

There is nothing that can truly sum up the juggalo experience like the story of young Anabell Lotus.

Read (slightly NSFW)

Listen

Learn

Cry

GURLFREND INA COMA??!!!!1 OH NO, IS SERIUS.

Morrissey + LOLCATS =

F**king great

We have new neighbors. Actually, they're not new, I've just been ignoring them to the best of my ability since they arrived in the spring. Why would I spend so much effort trying to convince myself the house next door was empty and I was having a bad dream?

Let's see:

1) Their creepy, soon to be a rapist/serial killer son. This kid has not been in school a day since they arrived in April. Yes, I'm aware kids don't go to school in the summer, but they do in the Spring. I'll calling child services if he isn't in school this fall. Believe me, if you saw these people you'd know they're not home-schooling. This is the same kid we saw running down the street naked one night... on a dare... from his father... for a cigarette (thanks for reminding me Shannon).

2) Fat, bitchy, retared wife. How did she spend her summer? Pregnant, smoking, drinking, and yelling at her kids.

3) The parade of random people in and out of the house partying all the time. And by people, I mean those folks that make you instantly buy stronger locks.

4) The trash.... in the street, in their yard, in my yard.

5) "Lawnmower? What's that?" Seriously did not touch the yard for months. I even lent them a mower one day. The "father" said he was buying one next week. Next week? Creepy kid is on my doorstep trying to borrow the mower again.

6) The multiple kids, by multiple fathers, yelling... all day, every day.

7) I met the fathers dad. "Well, he had his problems with drugs but he's gotten it under control now". He told me this while leaning over my fence.... shirtless.... fat.... drinking a natty ice... through a mouthful of holes where presumably teeth used to be.

And multiple other reasons. Anyway, today the final shoe was dropped. I can no longer pretend I don't live next door to a Jerry Springer out-takes reel. Why? This. As I suspected, they're juggalos.

This, ladies and gentlemen....

is how I roll.



More here.

OK do this RIGHT NOW

Hop on fear.net on On Demand and watch "The Devils Backbone".

Seriously, do it. Now

Guillermo del Toro is f**king brilliant.

Much like some of his other work, it's a touching story beautifully told and WELL worth the time to watch it. I was blown away. His films kind of remind me of the Coen brothers, though perhaps without the tongue in cheek humor. Take an extremely well written story, cast some talented and not always well known actors, and combine it with cinematography that is nothing short of stunning. What do you get? A wonderful film that's a pleasure to watch.

Why I want to be an olympic swimmer

So I can gather before the press photographers of the world and have them gaze in awe at my unit.




Seriously, how awesome is this suit? I'd wear that EVERYWHERE!

The "debate".

Personally, I'm deeply saddened that at this late date we as a society are still even remotely interested in how our presidential candidates stack up as Christians, or what some blowhard hypocrite who makes a fortune fleecing the very sheep he pretends to shepard thinks are the pressing questions of the day. Benevolent sky grandpa is not going to save America folks.

That being said, I found this to be a very interesting take, from a Christian slant, on the questions that SHOULD have been asked.

Also, this. Yeah, like you'd expect anything else from the "morality squad".

Does it ever end?

"Bullying and intimidation are not acceptable ways to conduct foreign policy in the 21st century" - W.

Really?

It wouldn't shock me at all if President Medvedev, after he stopped laughing, just told W. to fuck right off.

Here's one of my biggest fears regarding what this jackass has done to America. Not only have we burned through a good deal of the political good will we'd spent decades building up (not everywhere, but a lot of places) we've also lost what was an extremely tenuous grasp on the moral high ground.

What will our foreign/domestic policy argument be now? "Do as we say, not as we do"? Yeah, that has a great track record. Seriously, great. Yup, great.

My hero

Let the romance begin.

A balanced energy program

Not so much balance as in using different resources but as in balancing our need for fuel and our need to get rid of some societal waste.

Also, quote of the day:

Shannon (on her new phone): I like it
John: What's it do better?
Shannon: just better feel, better buttons, more eels.

Obama the anti-christ?

From Time magazine:

"It's not easy to make the infamous Willie Horton ad from the 1988 presidential campaign seem benign. But suggesting that Barack Obama is the Antichrist might just do it.

That's just what some outraged Christian supporters of the Democratic nominee are claiming John McCain's campaign did in an ad called "The One" that was recently released online. The Republican nominee's advisers brush off the charges, arguing that the spot was meant to be a "creative" and "humorous" way of poking fun at Obama's popularity by painting him as a self-appointed messiah. But even this innocuous interpretation of the ad — which includes images of Charlton Heston as Moses and culled clips that make Obama sound truly egomaniacal — taps into a conversation that has been gaining urgency on Christian radio, political blogs, and in widely-circulated email messages that accuse Obama of being the Antichrist.

The ad was the creation of Fred Davis, one of McCain's top media gurus, as well as a close friend of former Christian Coalition head Ralph Reed and the nephew of conservative Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe. It first caught the attention of Democrats familiar with the Left Behind series, a fictionalized account of the end time that debuted in the 1990s and has sold nearly 70 million books worldwide. "The language in there is so similar to the language in the Left Behind books," says Tony Campolo, a leading progressive evangelical speaker and author.

As the ad begins, the words "It should be known that in 2008 the world shall be blessed. They will call him The One" flash across the screen. The Antichrist of the Left Behind books is a charismatic young political leader named Nicolae Carpathia who founds The One World religion (slogan: "We are God") and promises to heal the world after a time of deep division. One of several Obama clips in the ad features the senator saying, "A nation healed, a world repaired. We are the ones that we've been waiting for."

The visual images in the ad, which Davis says has been viewed even more than the McCain's "Celeb" ad linking Obama to the likes of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, also seem to evoke the cover art of several Left Behind books. But they're not the cartoonish images of clouds parting and shining light upon Obama that might be expected in an ad spoofing him as a messiah. Instead, the screen displays a sinister orange light surrounded by darkness and later the faint image of a staircase leading up to heaven.

Perhaps the most puzzling scene in the ad is an altered segment from The 10 Commandments that appears near the end. A Moses-playing Charlton Heston parts the animated waters of the Red Sea, out of which rises the quasi-presidential seal the Obama campaign used for a brief time earlier this summer before being mocked into retiring it. The seal, which features an eagle with wings spread, is not recognizable like the campaign's red-white-and-blue "O" logo. That confused Democratic consultant Eric Sapp until he went to his Bible and remembered that in the apocalyptic Book of Daniel, the Antichrist is described as rising from the sea as a creature with wings like an eagle.

Sapp knows that the phrasing and images could just be dismissed as a peculiar coincidence. After all, it was Oprah Winfrey who told an Iowa crowd that Obama was "the one!" But, he insists, "the frequency of these images and references don't make any sense unless you're trying to send the message that Obama could be the Antichrist." Mara Vanderslice, another Democratic consultant who handled religious outreach for the 2004 Kerry campaign, agrees. "If they wanted to be funny, if they really wanted to play up the idea that Obama thinks he's the Second Coming, there were better ways to do it," she says. "Why use these awkward lines like, 'And the world will receive his blessings'?"

Wow...

Just... wow.

Anyway, here's the video, judge for yourself.

My Birthday

OK, this will probably ramble and be full of errors because the celebration is winding down, but so be it.

Today I turned 39 and I'd like to record a few things.

First, I don't usually make a big deal out of birthdays. I don't feel that the anniversary of my occupation of a body is exceptionally important. If my hope is born out in reality, it's happened before and it will happen again. It's no more significant that getting back in line for a roller coaster. I've chosen other dates to assign importance to, but even those are purely personal... I don't think they really mean anything.

That being said, I'm human. I try to be as humble as I can because I think it's important, but every now and then a guy wants to be recognized. So, I'd to thank some folks for making me feel a little special.

A couple people from my old job unexpectedly remembered my birthday. It caught me by surprise, and I really appreciate it. Kind of a sweet reminder of a good time and a hard lesson.

Also, everyone at Cava. You folks are always nice, but it really felt good to have everyone acknowledge that tonight was a little different. I'm diggin' you guys hard.

Next, thanks to my lovely wife for making everything easy and knowing exactly what I wanted even though I'd never say so myself. It's just one of the thousands of reasons I love her and I'm SO, SO, SO glad she's my best friend EVAR!

Next, I gave myself a reward tonight. First for getting my health together, and next for being about where I should be at this age. I had a hamburger. I haven't had one in a while, and the Cava guys made me what seemed to be an extra fat, extra rare one... Just the way I like them. God damn it was good.

I also had a monkey tail. For those of you that don't know, I like "fair food". Shave ice, hot dogs, giant pretzels, I love it all. Of course, you can't eat this all the time so when I do I really dig it. As fate would have it, Cava had a fancy monkey tail (frozen banana, dipped in chocolate and rolled in nuts) on the desert menu. It was AWESOME.

Also, there was booze. I like booze.

OK, so what do I want to work on as I head towards 40?

1) Keep working towards better health. My excursion into depression taught me that once your body starts revolting against you, you're fucked. I don't want to be fucked again. My goal is to keep the machine running as long as I can, because now that I've seen both the upside and the downside I really, really dig the upside. When I say "another day in paradise", I'm only half kidding. I want to stay here awhile.

2) Tolerance. I say this every year, and I get better every year... But I still have a way to go. It runs in the family. Judy men are always right (whether they are or not), and have a VERY short fuse when it comes to people who can't catch on right away. I've realized that it's healthier and more human if I can relax and give people a chance to catch up, but it's really hard. I'm hoping to make a breakthrough or two in this area this year.

3) See if I can't manage to grow a little bit. We're all missing something, and we all look for it in our own way. I'm going to try to find a chunk of it. If feel like I've got the head under control. The next project is to see what we can do with the heart. Wish me luck.

4) Patience. Things seem to happen better for me when I don't try to rush them. It's hard sometimes... I feel like I KNOW where things have to be and I just want them to hurry up and get there, so I push. Funny thing is, when I push they happen... But in ways I didn't expect and don't necessarily like. I just gotta roll with the punches a little better. The ox is slow, but the earth is patient.

5) Increase the love, decrease the rage. Shit's gonna happen. My first reaction is usually to want to hit it with a hammer and laugh while it bleeds. It tends to work out better if I just grab the shitty situation/person/whatever, give it a hug, and remember that it's all going to work out in the end. I need to remember this.

I guess the main theme is I know how the book ends. I need to quit trying to rewrite it. Life seems to work much better when I get out of the way.

We'll see how that goes.

Rascism?

I was wondering if the this bothers anyone else. You're reading along in an article, and an authority or something is cited, but preceded by their race. There's an example here. "Captured by legendary Chicano photographer George Rodriguez"...

Ok, I have a BUNCH of problems here

1) Chicano photographer. Is that somehow different than a "regular" photographer? Does Cannon make a special line of Chicano cameras? Can I take a "Chicano photography" class to learn to shoot like a "Chicano photographer"? Does he ONLY take pictures of Chicanos?

2) What does this add to the narrative? Is there something in his work that I'll really only understand if I know he's Chicano? Why do I need to know that the photographer is Chicano? I can't find a reason, save the author or the people the author is trying to represent wanting to seem "multiculturally sensitive" or politically correct or some shit. So, that being the case.... What's more insensitive and offensive: "legendary Chicano photographer George Rodriguez" or "legendary photographer George Rodriguez"?

3) What about whitey? You NEVER see "legendary Anglo photographer Ansel Adams". Why not? It seems to me that either we don't warrant special identification, presumably because we've all led lives of privilege since our ancestors stepped off the Mayflower and on to the backs of the natives (BTW try being poor, undereducated, and white sometime... I've been there. It's not fun.) OR it's assumed that if you're competent at your vocation you must be white. If you're NOT white and you manage to become competent, we'd better point that out. Either one of these too options seem inherently wrong and stupid to me.

4) George Rodriguez? Chicano? REALLY? Shocker! Didn't see that coming. Next you're going to tell me Hiro Yamamoto is Asian!


Anyway, I think this kind of crap perpetuates stupid racial bickering and distracts from the real issue, which I happen to believe is socioeconomic class. I still contend that 90% of the "race issue" isn't black vs. white or whatever, it's rich (comparatively speaking... and not) vs. poor.

Also, this (the example) bolsters my opinion that Zach de la Rocha is a massive blowhard douche bag and even more of a demagogue than the people he rails against.

Summer of fun

So far this summer, we've spent every weekend doing something fun. This was the first weekend we actually planned to stay in Portland. This didn't work out. I couldn't be happier. Rafting is super happy fun.

I THINK we'll make it next weekend, but there will be a little something going on here. It will involve hot chicks and booze.

While I prefer hot chick and motorcycles, I like hot chicks and booze.

Grab the gusto!

I don't care if Pabst is retard hipster beer, I like it. I drank cheap beer when it wasn't fashionable, and I will do so now that it is. When it falls out of fashion, I will continue to drink cheap beer. Maybe it will come into fashion one more time.... I'll still be there, swilling cheap beer, perhaps out of a straw at that point.

Then I will die.

Anyway, some GREAT news for fans of cheap beer. Schlitz is back! I remember when this had pull tabs, and I seem to remember steel cans. I can't wait to take a drunken stumble down memory lane.

The amazing shrinking John.... The saga continues

Hit 225 today. My body fat percentage has gone from obese to firmly in the overweight region.

Back when I was racing bicycles, I tipped the scale at between 215 and 220. Soooooo close. My legs aren't as awesome as they were then, but my arms look better and really what do chicks dig more than two tickets to the gun show? NOTHING that's what!

I still haven't cashed my KFC check, but I will... I will.

The bad thing? I need new pants. Seriously, even my skinny jeans are too big now. Put this on top of the fact that I broke my KLR (again) and this will be an expensive month for John. I guess I can don my new vest and make a little cash.

I am a little pissed to find out I could have just been popping these things instead of doing daily doubles 5 days a week.

Our weekend

July has been made of awesome. We capped it off with another trip to Pendleton. I would tell you about it, but Shannon did a much better job so this is a PERFECT opportunity for me to plug her blog.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you strippylongstocking.com. Dive into all the awesomeness that is Shannon.

A hero's story

Apparently, I'm not the only one who sees the clear and present danger presented by bees and their ilk. Though I don't have a white leather clad Arab to assist me in my battle, battle on I will.

Hallelujah! He speaks English!

Apparently, I'm not the only one who's a little tired of the Obama as second coming business. Yes, it's nice to have someone who can string a sentence together speaking for America for a change... But c'mon you know it's mostly just the same old shit in another package.

I almost feel sorry for zombie McCain. I've always liked and respected the guy, and in a different world (Bush free) I may have even voted for him (I tend to vote for people and issues, not parties). However I don't think he's got a snowballs chance in hell and he really comes off bad in comparison.

Anyway, thanks to the British for their advanced sense of satire and thanks to my Aunt Carol for pointing this out.

It's all in the context I guess....

For some reason this headline struck me as odd. Is she scared that she'll be forced to rape an entire city?

"Whew! Am I glad! I have finally left "city". Now I can be happy."
"Uh, we're going to have to ask you to return to "city". Actually, we insist."
"What? Why? Did I forget something."
"Um, no. We need you to rape "city". All of it. The whole place."
"Crap."

Understandable. That's a lot of rape. Or is there a place called Rape City that she doesn't want to return to? Again, understandable. Imagine going to Rape City....

"Hey Dad, where are we going on vacation this year? Disneyland? Yellowstone?"
"No, Billy. We're going to Rape City!!!!"
"Boo. I hate you Dad"
"I know Billy... I know."

On motorcycling

For those of you that don't know, I love motorcycles. I got my first dirt bike around 10 and my first street bike at 17. I've owned many, many bikes and I've loved every one for different reasons.

As one of the cornucopia of lucky breaks I've had in my life, I managed to stumble across a woman who may not love the machines as much as I do (or perhaps does, but not in the same way), but shares my love of operating them.

As I was contemplating these two things this weekend, it occurred to me that I had actually found what millions and millions of people search their whole lives for.

When I am on the motorcycle with Shannon, exploring a unknown road, on a perfect day, I firmly believe I am experiencing true happiness in the most absolutely literal sense of the words. I really couldn't ask for more. I want nothing else. I am complete.

While I was riding, I remember fervently and repeatedly hoping that if there is a "heaven", it's a place where I get to ride new roads with Shannon, seeing new sights, meeting new people.... forever. The time I spend doing it seems to pass so quickly, and no matter how long we spend traveling this way I never want to stop. I believe given the time I could ride every road on the Earth, stop at every interesting small town bar, stay in every funky hotel, swap stories with every gas station attendant, and when I was done my only wish would be to ship the bike to the next planet and do it all over again.

I intend to write an essay on why motorcycles are capable of bringing this sort of satori about, but not yet. There's too much to say. I'll make a feeble attempt at some point, but for now I'll say that those of you who do it know what I'm talking about... which is why you do it. Suffice to say, something magical happens when you trade the destination for the journey. It kinda looks like this:



OK.. OK... Lest any of you think I'm not the moron you've come to know and tolerate, my version of heaven includes killing bugs... Don't wanna get too existential :)

OMG a shark!!!!!

Worse than bees? No.

229! The amazing shrinking John part II.

I have officially earned my KFC reward. Yes it's gross but god help me I love it so. However, instead of claiming my reward, I intend to truck my ass back out to Hamley's this weekend and have a steak... and some bourbon... and perhaps another dip in the pool. I'll spare you the photo this time.

4th of July

We had a great time. LOTS of motorcycle miles, met cool people, found a great restaurant, etc. etc. However, I did take a break from my recent excursion into sobriety. John + Bourbon + Swimming pool =



Also, that is a steak distended belly. Seriously, not that fat. No really. Thanks, Hamley's.

Also the water was cold. Just sayin'. Thanks Andy, you dick.

10 Things You Can Like About $4 Gas

I think this article brings about some interesting points, though I fear that many of them are wishful thinking rather than fact. I do however think they missed my personal favorite.... Schadenfreude. Personally, I get a big kick out of watching the morons driving hummers and escalades suffering. The way I see it, we're moving very, very slowly towards a world where stupidity is painful and I couldn't be happier.

Do you believe me now?

Well you should! This time they took control of a truck in their never ending quest for STINGING!!! Seriously, they're getting smarter and meaner BY THE DAY! WAKE UP PEOPLE!

Every thorn has its rose...

Being murdered - Thorn

In Festus (LOL) - Rose

OMG It's my worst nightmare

When this happens in Portland (and it will... I've warned you all countless times), all you will see is a streak of smoke heading out of town. That streak will be the smoke left by John, running from the apian horde.

"Strong said the experts onsite have reported the situation is under control and there is no reason for the public to panic.

However, anyone with bee allergies and at a risk of anaphylactic shock should leave the area until the situation has been resolved, Strong said."

Bullshit. They ALWAYS say the "situation is under control". Those are the last words you hear before you perish in a storm of buzzing and stinging! ANYONE WHO WANTS TO LIVE should get the hell out of there PRONTO!!!! Bees are flying packets of sting and hate! Honey is only a by product of the sting production process! These ones are mad (like all bees) and READY FOR WAR (also, like all bees).

Jesus for President

Sigh... Listen, if you folks want to have imaginary friends that's OK. If you want to blindly follow the 213,432,453,123,429,783rd hand teachings of someone who lived thousands of years ago in a culture you couldn't possible understand, that's great. Just please, KEEP THIS SHIT TO YOURSELVES.

Also, why am I not surprised that the idea came from someone who looks like this:



"DUDE I SMOKED THE BIBLE & NOW I HAS KNOWLEDGE! BOB MARLEY LIVES IN MY RASTA VIBES! GOT ANY SPARE CHANGE?".

Who would Jesus vote for? Who knows/cares? It's like asking how Lucy would fair on the NASCAR circuit. It's a stupid question asked by stupid people.

Is sewer horse watching you?

yes.

The more they try to bring him down...

The more they convince me I picked the right horse in this race. "He's the guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini and a cigarette that stands against the wall and makes snide comments about everyone." Sounds like my kind of guy. After 8 years of the dipshit with the hummer drinking a natty ice, I'm ready for a guy who realizes that the lowest common denominator is not always the best thing to be. Seriously, do you want James Bond running the country or Larry the Cable Guy?

An interesting take...

...on the political and military (not to mention moral) bankruptcy of the current war in Iraq by a Marine. Basically, he's stating that if you ignore (or force others to ignore) evidence that you've made a mistake in deciding to engage, and you apply correctly military doctrine in that engagement, you succeed in turning what could be your greatest asset into your greatest liability.

Taking this a bit further, another fundamental tenet of armed conflict is to disguise both your strengths and your weaknesses. Interestingly enough, in the current conflict we've managed to put ourselves into a situation where doing this is next to impossible, so the fact that we've made the mistake of preserving in a mistaken course is broadcast to those who have been praying we would do just that.

And here we go...

I wondered how long it would take for these assholes to chime in.

"Evangelicals are people who take Bible interpretation very seriously, and the sort of speech he gave shows that he is worlds away in the views of evangelicals". Which is exactly why thinking people (as opposed to evangelicals) should be looking at Obama, and while I'll be voting for him.

Here is everything you need to know about evangelicals, summed up in one image:

G.I. John

As part of a Army program to encourage employers not to be dicks to their employees who serve in the National Guard, Nick and I were invited to spend a day at Fort Lewis and participate in operation "Tacoma Thrust" (LOL). As a fan and student of all thing military, I was needless to say thrilled.

The day started with a run through of a field tactical operations center and an MRE. The TOC was a real eye-opener. Anyone who's studied how military organizations and conflict knows that more than anything it's all about logistics. I knew this coming into it, but I was blown away by just how organized these guys are. Also, while the MRE gets a bad rap, and while I'm certain my opinion would change were I to eat them everyday as a soldier in the field, I like 'em. It's a whole bunch of easy to prepare and pretty damn edible food in a nice little bag. I had hot roast beef and veggies... I'd eat it again. Also, you can use the heating chemicals to make a little bomb, which is awesome.

Next was the short distance firing range. This is where soldiers get comfortable and proficient with their weapons in the situations where they'll most likely be using them... Distances of 50 meters or less. We were given a short course on the M4 and M68 CCO and then were treated to the best part of the day... Getting a little return on my tax dollars by expending a few hundred rounds of military ammo. The weapons is very light, easy to operate, accurate, and FUN. Burst mode, while perhaps not super useful in a tactical situation, is AWESOME for wasting ammo and killing paper men.

We then took part in a training exercise. Basically, it was a simualted convoy being attacked by simulated bad guys. This was a real eye-opener. Getting a bunch of shit from point A to point B while people are trying to kill you is not a trivial task. Here's us getting attacked by a simulated IED and a simulated grenade. By the way, the video does no justice to how loud those things are.

Finally, a truly terrible dinner at the base chow hall and we were off. Personally, I think anyone who eats in the place deserves a medal. Another MRE would have been better.

Anyway, I've always had respect for soldiers. While anyone who knows me knows my opinion of the current war (the Iraq part anyway), I think our soldiers deserve our empathy, support, and the best tools we can give them. My experience on the base enlighted me as to just how hard these folks work and what a bunch of polite, nice, bright people they really are. They don't always get the thanks they should, and I think if everyone could get a little first hand experience with the how hard they work (even in training) that might change.

Anyway, here's some pictures.

Hoo Rah!

More later, but this was my Saturday.

Yes, we fired these weapons.

Yes, it was awesome.

A little something for the fellas....

Well most of the fellas anyway. I some of the ladies too, I guess. Fine, "a little something for everyone that likes boobies". No, not those THESE. Anyway, here we have an archive of every playmate of the month since Playboy started. Kind of fun to look at what was hot when you were born, graduated high school (OMG THE HAIR), etc. etc. Obviously NSFW.

THANK YOU INTERWEB!1

The amazing shrinking John!

15 down... 15 (or so) to go....

Also, on a completely unrelated note, remember the show that I emceed for? The one where I got sick and everything sucked? Well check this out. It's the MySpace for the guy behind that fiasco of a club. Once I saw it, the reason behind the vibe in that place was immediately clear.

"Shoot me a line if you would like to come down and check it out. I'm newly single and looking for girls "outside the biz." but I have been known to make exceptions :)"

Sniff, sniff.... Do you smell that? IT'S CLASS, BABY!

Well Crap...

Shannon left for Maryland again... Which leaves me to my own devices and feeling like a sad dog with snow on his nose.

Slow cooked karma's gonna get you

To borrow a page from Shannon Stone's play book, I'm gonna go ahead and call this karmic retribution for George Bush. Hope God told you to build some Arks! Don't worry though, I'm sure your boy is right on top if it just like he was for those folks in Louisiana!

Crap, I wonder if this means I won't be invited to Cannes next year?

I've said it before...

...and I'll say it again, and again, and again until you people believe me. BEES ARE NOT OUR FRIENDS. They are mean and they hate us. Not in the "Nrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... they haet r freedums" way but in the "I hate you and I want you to die way".

You may think me irrational now. You may even laugh. But as the final bee butt glistening with venom is angrily thrust into your eye (they LOVE to destroy eyes. It's like going to Disneyland for them), remember I told you so.

Good news for Carol!

She has a new job.

I have discovered the formula for happiness!!!

Pay attention class...

Home + Nap = Hap
Hap + Pie = Happie, or as the Americans would say "Happy"

So, in order to be happy, one will need to be home, take a nap, and then eat some pie.

Thank you very much. This will be on the mid term.

Let's hear it for pants!

P is for powerful!
A is for AWESOME!
N is for nice!
T is for terrific!
S is for.... SHIT! Where are mine?!

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PANTS!

Baby I'm a star

So I got to emcee for this show Friday:


Good news? Pretty girls in their underwear and John on stage, however briefly. Bad news? The venue was SKETCHY, drinks were weak and wrong, food ways genuinely dreadful, and I got sick.

Why I love all things Russian.

As some of you know, I have a certain fondness for all things Russian. Maybe it's my slightly over the top love of vodka, maybe it's their ability to consistently produce hot, dumb chicks, maybe it's fact that they produce so much depression it's available for export.

However, they've outdone themselves this time. They took what was an AWESOME grief on Second Life and recreated it (to some extent) in meatspace.

Well played comrades. Well played.

Aliens gone wild?

I want to habeeb!

Oh for the love of god

SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY

You didn't see this coming?

Seriously? C'mon... I understand their value proposition, but the guy was/is simply selling something that doesn't exist. You can use all the technology you like and be as vigilant as it is humanly possible to be and you will still fail. You know why? You can't overcome social engineering with the technology/process that is currently in place, and arguably with any technology/process that's going to be available any time some.

Interestingly enough, this story does to a good job of pointing out some of the glaring weaknesses in the system. If the process is only as strong as it's weakest point, and the weakest point is the person with the education level/life skills that puts them behind the counter at a "fast cash"/payday loan type of place, then the process is very, very broken. As long as all that one needs to cash in on someone else's identity is the ability to out smart a high school dropout, there's going to be problems.

In the mean time, I will continue to take the security measures I do now (to avoid being the slowest gazelle) and hope for the best. It does make a fun intellectual exercise though... As we move more and more towards a culture where you no longer physically posses most of your wealth (no cash, no bag of gold dust, goats, etc.) how do we as a society protect that wealth? The possibilities are really endless and the nexus of technology, sociology, security, ethics, privacy and other issues should have us stumbling towards competency (slowly) for decades to come.

I hate to admit it...

...because it's totally NOT my style, but I find myself really liking this song. It's chaveriffic!

As some of you may know...

...I hate bees. Seriously, I know they are responsible for making wonderful foods and stuff, but they are also FULL OF STINGS AND HATE. That's why this creeped me out so much. That poor guy. Guy: "Bees why do you chase me!!!! Bees I am falling please stop!!! Bees, my bones are broken and cacti are poking me with sharp needles.... SERIOUSLY I quit! Umm.... Bees.... Dying.... Seriously...." Bees: "LOL, pwned"

By the way, Shannon pointed out that this would make the worse carnival ride EVER. "OK Billy, you have 3 tickets.... You can ride the ferris wheel or BEE CANYON!"

If you're blue and you don't know...

...where to go to why don't you go where Carol sits, I mean stands?

"He knows what he's doing..."

Oh hell yeah he does!!! 186MPH through the air.... WITHOUT A F'ING PLANE?! As I have long asserted, and as anyone who know me can attest, the Swiss are made of awesome.

Shannon's home town...

...now has a claim to fame. Make sure and watch the video, it's priceless. "People keep asking where the powder and guns were WWWHHHHARRRRGGGGGBBBBLLLLL NRRRRRRRRRR HHURRRRRRRFFFFFF DURFFFFFFFFFFFFFF". BTW (and don't tell them I said this) that Pizza? Tastes like ass. The secret to it's success? THERE'S NO WHERE ELSE TO GET PIZZA FOR LIKE 20 GOD DAMN MILES!!!!!!! If you're used to eating mud, a 7-11 hot dog seems like the best thing ever.

Don't judge me...

But I found this while doing a GIS for "ow my ass". Anyway, I've only read part of it and I like what I see. C'mon, it's f'ing Survivor with toys!

Bad life choices...

Really Carol?

C'mon, give it a rest. No one's laughing.

Oh no, there goes Toyko...

Grawdzillrah!

I just don't know how to feel....

...about this. One the hand, it's frightening. These insects are responsible for the continued survival of a good deal of our food supply, and they're dying in record numbers for reasons we don't understand. Something is obviously very, very wrong.

On the other hand, I hate bees SO MUCH!

Alas, poor Carol

I knew her, Horatio. Ok, I didn't really KNOW her, but we hung out once.

How awesome is this?

Apparently, these little bastards hatched the day before I came back to work in the building. The funny thing is, during my last interview (days before the little ones hatched), I peered out a window on the other side of the building into a nest of baby pigeons. Circle of life, eh?

Today, while in a meeting, I watched papa/mama/whoever leave the nest and soar around the area looking for tasty, tasty snacks for the hawklettes. I smiled the whole time. Good luck and good hunting you little neo-dinosaurs.