OMG a shark!!!!!

Worse than bees? No.

229! The amazing shrinking John part II.

I have officially earned my KFC reward. Yes it's gross but god help me I love it so. However, instead of claiming my reward, I intend to truck my ass back out to Hamley's this weekend and have a steak... and some bourbon... and perhaps another dip in the pool. I'll spare you the photo this time.

4th of July

We had a great time. LOTS of motorcycle miles, met cool people, found a great restaurant, etc. etc. However, I did take a break from my recent excursion into sobriety. John + Bourbon + Swimming pool =



Also, that is a steak distended belly. Seriously, not that fat. No really. Thanks, Hamley's.

Also the water was cold. Just sayin'. Thanks Andy, you dick.

10 Things You Can Like About $4 Gas

I think this article brings about some interesting points, though I fear that many of them are wishful thinking rather than fact. I do however think they missed my personal favorite.... Schadenfreude. Personally, I get a big kick out of watching the morons driving hummers and escalades suffering. The way I see it, we're moving very, very slowly towards a world where stupidity is painful and I couldn't be happier.

Do you believe me now?

Well you should! This time they took control of a truck in their never ending quest for STINGING!!! Seriously, they're getting smarter and meaner BY THE DAY! WAKE UP PEOPLE!

Every thorn has its rose...

Being murdered - Thorn

In Festus (LOL) - Rose

OMG It's my worst nightmare

When this happens in Portland (and it will... I've warned you all countless times), all you will see is a streak of smoke heading out of town. That streak will be the smoke left by John, running from the apian horde.

"Strong said the experts onsite have reported the situation is under control and there is no reason for the public to panic.

However, anyone with bee allergies and at a risk of anaphylactic shock should leave the area until the situation has been resolved, Strong said."

Bullshit. They ALWAYS say the "situation is under control". Those are the last words you hear before you perish in a storm of buzzing and stinging! ANYONE WHO WANTS TO LIVE should get the hell out of there PRONTO!!!! Bees are flying packets of sting and hate! Honey is only a by product of the sting production process! These ones are mad (like all bees) and READY FOR WAR (also, like all bees).

Jesus for President

Sigh... Listen, if you folks want to have imaginary friends that's OK. If you want to blindly follow the 213,432,453,123,429,783rd hand teachings of someone who lived thousands of years ago in a culture you couldn't possible understand, that's great. Just please, KEEP THIS SHIT TO YOURSELVES.

Also, why am I not surprised that the idea came from someone who looks like this:



"DUDE I SMOKED THE BIBLE & NOW I HAS KNOWLEDGE! BOB MARLEY LIVES IN MY RASTA VIBES! GOT ANY SPARE CHANGE?".

Who would Jesus vote for? Who knows/cares? It's like asking how Lucy would fair on the NASCAR circuit. It's a stupid question asked by stupid people.

Is sewer horse watching you?

yes.

The more they try to bring him down...

The more they convince me I picked the right horse in this race. "He's the guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini and a cigarette that stands against the wall and makes snide comments about everyone." Sounds like my kind of guy. After 8 years of the dipshit with the hummer drinking a natty ice, I'm ready for a guy who realizes that the lowest common denominator is not always the best thing to be. Seriously, do you want James Bond running the country or Larry the Cable Guy?

An interesting take...

...on the political and military (not to mention moral) bankruptcy of the current war in Iraq by a Marine. Basically, he's stating that if you ignore (or force others to ignore) evidence that you've made a mistake in deciding to engage, and you apply correctly military doctrine in that engagement, you succeed in turning what could be your greatest asset into your greatest liability.

Taking this a bit further, another fundamental tenet of armed conflict is to disguise both your strengths and your weaknesses. Interestingly enough, in the current conflict we've managed to put ourselves into a situation where doing this is next to impossible, so the fact that we've made the mistake of preserving in a mistaken course is broadcast to those who have been praying we would do just that.

And here we go...

I wondered how long it would take for these assholes to chime in.

"Evangelicals are people who take Bible interpretation very seriously, and the sort of speech he gave shows that he is worlds away in the views of evangelicals". Which is exactly why thinking people (as opposed to evangelicals) should be looking at Obama, and while I'll be voting for him.

Here is everything you need to know about evangelicals, summed up in one image:

G.I. John

As part of a Army program to encourage employers not to be dicks to their employees who serve in the National Guard, Nick and I were invited to spend a day at Fort Lewis and participate in operation "Tacoma Thrust" (LOL). As a fan and student of all thing military, I was needless to say thrilled.

The day started with a run through of a field tactical operations center and an MRE. The TOC was a real eye-opener. Anyone who's studied how military organizations and conflict knows that more than anything it's all about logistics. I knew this coming into it, but I was blown away by just how organized these guys are. Also, while the MRE gets a bad rap, and while I'm certain my opinion would change were I to eat them everyday as a soldier in the field, I like 'em. It's a whole bunch of easy to prepare and pretty damn edible food in a nice little bag. I had hot roast beef and veggies... I'd eat it again. Also, you can use the heating chemicals to make a little bomb, which is awesome.

Next was the short distance firing range. This is where soldiers get comfortable and proficient with their weapons in the situations where they'll most likely be using them... Distances of 50 meters or less. We were given a short course on the M4 and M68 CCO and then were treated to the best part of the day... Getting a little return on my tax dollars by expending a few hundred rounds of military ammo. The weapons is very light, easy to operate, accurate, and FUN. Burst mode, while perhaps not super useful in a tactical situation, is AWESOME for wasting ammo and killing paper men.

We then took part in a training exercise. Basically, it was a simualted convoy being attacked by simulated bad guys. This was a real eye-opener. Getting a bunch of shit from point A to point B while people are trying to kill you is not a trivial task. Here's us getting attacked by a simulated IED and a simulated grenade. By the way, the video does no justice to how loud those things are.

Finally, a truly terrible dinner at the base chow hall and we were off. Personally, I think anyone who eats in the place deserves a medal. Another MRE would have been better.

Anyway, I've always had respect for soldiers. While anyone who knows me knows my opinion of the current war (the Iraq part anyway), I think our soldiers deserve our empathy, support, and the best tools we can give them. My experience on the base enlighted me as to just how hard these folks work and what a bunch of polite, nice, bright people they really are. They don't always get the thanks they should, and I think if everyone could get a little first hand experience with the how hard they work (even in training) that might change.

Anyway, here's some pictures.

Hoo Rah!

More later, but this was my Saturday.

Yes, we fired these weapons.

Yes, it was awesome.

A little something for the fellas....

Well most of the fellas anyway. I some of the ladies too, I guess. Fine, "a little something for everyone that likes boobies". No, not those THESE. Anyway, here we have an archive of every playmate of the month since Playboy started. Kind of fun to look at what was hot when you were born, graduated high school (OMG THE HAIR), etc. etc. Obviously NSFW.

THANK YOU INTERWEB!1

The amazing shrinking John!

15 down... 15 (or so) to go....

Also, on a completely unrelated note, remember the show that I emceed for? The one where I got sick and everything sucked? Well check this out. It's the MySpace for the guy behind that fiasco of a club. Once I saw it, the reason behind the vibe in that place was immediately clear.

"Shoot me a line if you would like to come down and check it out. I'm newly single and looking for girls "outside the biz." but I have been known to make exceptions :)"

Sniff, sniff.... Do you smell that? IT'S CLASS, BABY!

Well Crap...

Shannon left for Maryland again... Which leaves me to my own devices and feeling like a sad dog with snow on his nose.

Slow cooked karma's gonna get you

To borrow a page from Shannon Stone's play book, I'm gonna go ahead and call this karmic retribution for George Bush. Hope God told you to build some Arks! Don't worry though, I'm sure your boy is right on top if it just like he was for those folks in Louisiana!

Crap, I wonder if this means I won't be invited to Cannes next year?

I've said it before...

...and I'll say it again, and again, and again until you people believe me. BEES ARE NOT OUR FRIENDS. They are mean and they hate us. Not in the "Nrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... they haet r freedums" way but in the "I hate you and I want you to die way".

You may think me irrational now. You may even laugh. But as the final bee butt glistening with venom is angrily thrust into your eye (they LOVE to destroy eyes. It's like going to Disneyland for them), remember I told you so.

Good news for Carol!

She has a new job.

I have discovered the formula for happiness!!!

Pay attention class...

Home + Nap = Hap
Hap + Pie = Happie, or as the Americans would say "Happy"

So, in order to be happy, one will need to be home, take a nap, and then eat some pie.

Thank you very much. This will be on the mid term.

Let's hear it for pants!

P is for powerful!
A is for AWESOME!
N is for nice!
T is for terrific!
S is for.... SHIT! Where are mine?!

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PANTS!

Baby I'm a star

So I got to emcee for this show Friday:


Good news? Pretty girls in their underwear and John on stage, however briefly. Bad news? The venue was SKETCHY, drinks were weak and wrong, food ways genuinely dreadful, and I got sick.

Why I love all things Russian.

As some of you know, I have a certain fondness for all things Russian. Maybe it's my slightly over the top love of vodka, maybe it's their ability to consistently produce hot, dumb chicks, maybe it's fact that they produce so much depression it's available for export.

However, they've outdone themselves this time. They took what was an AWESOME grief on Second Life and recreated it (to some extent) in meatspace.

Well played comrades. Well played.

Aliens gone wild?

I want to habeeb!

Oh for the love of god

SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY

You didn't see this coming?

Seriously? C'mon... I understand their value proposition, but the guy was/is simply selling something that doesn't exist. You can use all the technology you like and be as vigilant as it is humanly possible to be and you will still fail. You know why? You can't overcome social engineering with the technology/process that is currently in place, and arguably with any technology/process that's going to be available any time some.

Interestingly enough, this story does to a good job of pointing out some of the glaring weaknesses in the system. If the process is only as strong as it's weakest point, and the weakest point is the person with the education level/life skills that puts them behind the counter at a "fast cash"/payday loan type of place, then the process is very, very broken. As long as all that one needs to cash in on someone else's identity is the ability to out smart a high school dropout, there's going to be problems.

In the mean time, I will continue to take the security measures I do now (to avoid being the slowest gazelle) and hope for the best. It does make a fun intellectual exercise though... As we move more and more towards a culture where you no longer physically posses most of your wealth (no cash, no bag of gold dust, goats, etc.) how do we as a society protect that wealth? The possibilities are really endless and the nexus of technology, sociology, security, ethics, privacy and other issues should have us stumbling towards competency (slowly) for decades to come.

I hate to admit it...

...because it's totally NOT my style, but I find myself really liking this song. It's chaveriffic!

As some of you may know...

...I hate bees. Seriously, I know they are responsible for making wonderful foods and stuff, but they are also FULL OF STINGS AND HATE. That's why this creeped me out so much. That poor guy. Guy: "Bees why do you chase me!!!! Bees I am falling please stop!!! Bees, my bones are broken and cacti are poking me with sharp needles.... SERIOUSLY I quit! Umm.... Bees.... Dying.... Seriously...." Bees: "LOL, pwned"

By the way, Shannon pointed out that this would make the worse carnival ride EVER. "OK Billy, you have 3 tickets.... You can ride the ferris wheel or BEE CANYON!"

If you're blue and you don't know...

...where to go to why don't you go where Carol sits, I mean stands?

"He knows what he's doing..."

Oh hell yeah he does!!! 186MPH through the air.... WITHOUT A F'ING PLANE?! As I have long asserted, and as anyone who know me can attest, the Swiss are made of awesome.

Shannon's home town...

...now has a claim to fame. Make sure and watch the video, it's priceless. "People keep asking where the powder and guns were WWWHHHHARRRRGGGGGBBBBLLLLL NRRRRRRRRRR HHURRRRRRRFFFFFF DURFFFFFFFFFFFFFF". BTW (and don't tell them I said this) that Pizza? Tastes like ass. The secret to it's success? THERE'S NO WHERE ELSE TO GET PIZZA FOR LIKE 20 GOD DAMN MILES!!!!!!! If you're used to eating mud, a 7-11 hot dog seems like the best thing ever.

Don't judge me...

But I found this while doing a GIS for "ow my ass". Anyway, I've only read part of it and I like what I see. C'mon, it's f'ing Survivor with toys!

Bad life choices...

Really Carol?

C'mon, give it a rest. No one's laughing.

Oh no, there goes Toyko...

Grawdzillrah!

I just don't know how to feel....

...about this. One the hand, it's frightening. These insects are responsible for the continued survival of a good deal of our food supply, and they're dying in record numbers for reasons we don't understand. Something is obviously very, very wrong.

On the other hand, I hate bees SO MUCH!

Alas, poor Carol

I knew her, Horatio. Ok, I didn't really KNOW her, but we hung out once.

How awesome is this?

Apparently, these little bastards hatched the day before I came back to work in the building. The funny thing is, during my last interview (days before the little ones hatched), I peered out a window on the other side of the building into a nest of baby pigeons. Circle of life, eh?

Today, while in a meeting, I watched papa/mama/whoever leave the nest and soar around the area looking for tasty, tasty snacks for the hawklettes. I smiled the whole time. Good luck and good hunting you little neo-dinosaurs.

Sorry Carol I was just kidding!!!!

No! Carol! Stop! Oh god help me!

Way to go, stupid carol

Pork - The meat of kings

PORK!

Anyone else...

...find this just a little convenient? Especially considering the fate of one of her employees?

Not that I agree with this fella...

...as I personally think discussions like this are mental masturbation (fun, but you don't accomplish much) and I couldn't care less if the filter is ahead or behind, but this is a very interesting read.

It also brings up a question. I think I'm about done with SETI@home. Yeah it's fun to think about and yeah I think it's worthwhile, but I think those spare cycles (and I have LOTS) might be put to better use on a project with more immediate benefits for people currently alive here on Earth. I'm a pragmatist, and growing more pragmatic as I grow older. At this point, I think discussion of possible extra-terrestrial life is about as important as discussion of religion (meaning not very important at all). I'm more interested something real. I know there's a bunch of boinc projects out there. Anyone have a suggestion or a case for a particular one?

Oh, and while I'm asking questions... Do any of you Mac users know how to make the delete key act like a delete key and not a backspace key? It's pissing me off to no end.

Lessons learned

Working in the same building I was before is kinda weird. It's nice because I run into a lot of people I really like all the time. It's odd because I sometimes run into some people I'm not sure how I feel about. Today was a really great example. I ran into a lot of people I was happy to see, and Charlotte (who is AWESOME and who I am ALWAYS happy to see) sent me cookies. I also ran into someone who reminded me that you can tell a lot about someone by the way they treat you when you're down... and you can also tell a lot by the way they treat you when you're back up. I think one of the key things I've taken away from this whole experience is that I need to appreciate my friends every chance I get and trust my judgment more often than I used to. If it looks like an prick and sounds like an prick, it's probably an prick... and all my rationalizing, optimism and forced tolerance won't change that. There are some people who I just don't like. There are some people who just don't like me. There's probably a reason for that.

I'll always try to keep an open mind, because I believe (sincerely... HA! And you thought I didn't believe anything) everyone you meet has something to teach you. However, moving forward I think I'm going to try to remember that I don't owe everyone for every lesson. I think maybe in the future I'll move away from polite but insincere complements to people I don't like or respect but feel some need to keep happy. I'll just do what I've really wanted to all long. Politely disregard them. Civility I owe them, but any wisdom they impart to me has long been bought and paid for.

Anyway, that was WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too deep, so here have some kittens.

THANK YOU!!!!

To all of our friends who showed up for Sugar Q's first big performance, THANK YOU. Seriously, you guys let the girls know that all their had work was appreciated, and made the show better for everyone. We owe all of you.

...

Ladies and Gentlemen

I give you your entertainment for this weekend, Sugar Q. Two shows each night (7 & 10). Tickets at Tickets West, Vega Dance Lab (who's web site is wonky right now), or at the door. Seriously, hot chicks, sexy outfits, humor, singing, dancing, and John in a bowler.

My wife...

is 10,000 shade of awesome. That is all I have to say.

On religion

Part one of many I'm sure...

"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself." -Peter O'Toole

Shannon explores her roots

While doing research the other night, we discovered that Shannon actually has the blood of a Celtic warrior princess in her veins. She is a direct descendant of the clan "Barfruin". A proud, valiant, stain producing, shirt ruining, wine spewing name.

I don't know what's funnier....

Watching this or trolling the Heath Ledger fans. Thanks Brandie.

EDIT: Well, I can't troll 13 year old Heath Ledger fans on you tube anymore, but the video is still worth watching.

Cuz I gotta have...

faith. I gotta have faaaaaaaaaaaith.

Anyone else remember....

The McDLT? As a burger connoisseur, I'll admit there have been far better fast food burgers out there. The Whopper (if you get a fresh one) is still up there among the best, as is Burgerville's stuff. Neither one of which stack up to Humdinger. But I digress. I like my veggies cool and my meat hot (LOL). It was a good idea. ZERE VILL BE ORDER IN MEIN BURGER!!!!!!!

A few words before sleep....

This place is over rated but rad. I have a new, but lame wardrobe. I need new spark plugs in the Honda. Shannon is the best wife ever. Everyone I know listens to indy rock. It's OK. However, no matter how many people want to consider me white trash (true as the accusation may be) because of my love of decent metal, I'm going to support my assertion that Slayer makes me happy and this is art (check out p-love on chino's play list. Oh, and the track from Tarentel is SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK). Enjoy your Modest Mouse pussies, I'll be over here rocking ass. This is the music real men listen to before we feed you your bedazzled jeans with one hand while slamming a Pabst with the other.

Well, the vacation is over.

I got a job. In 2 weeks, I have to join the rest of you working stiffs.

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE

I will buy a ticket right freaking now. Usuuuuuuuuuuuuuul!!!!!

Shannon...

Wants one of these, because a friend is offering. I think it's a fantastically bad idea. C'mon, remember Lenny? The last thing I want is to go through that again. Your thought? Am I ready to love again? Am I ready to have my prized possessions soaked in cat urine again? Am I ready to have my hands covered in bleeding cat bite wounds again?

No country for old men

Beautifully (seriously, INCREDIBLY) shot, powerfully acted, script was... decent. But anyway, let's get to the point. As some of you may know, I have a problem with theaters. Well, not so much theaters but crowds. Large groups of people freak me right the f**k out. So, I usually rent movies if I see them at all. I had been dying to see No Country For Old Men and I was not disappointed. It was everything I thought it would be. However, after watching it I turned the DVD cover around and read the review on the back. The last sentence includes this: "right up until it's heart-stopping final moment".

Really?


Spoiler ahead!!!


Tommy Lee Jones and the lady with the beautiful eyes that played his wife having breakfast together and talking about what he will do in his retirement is NOT HEART-STOPPING!!!!! It's not even heart-racing. If anything, my pulse slowed. It could have been billed as a sedative after the rest of the movie. A better adjective? Disappointing. Sleep-inducing. Hyper-realistic.

Meh.

God bless Mexico

Between what I see when I visit and what I read I am loving our southern neighbor a little more every day.

Don't say I never gave you anything.

Here's this thing. It comes with the promise that I will never give you up, let you down, run around, or desert you. You wouldn't get that from any other guy.

The 2008 Presidental Race

Well, it's getting ugly. I think maybe the current state is best summed up with the following image:

While perhaps not the best...

work ever seen on xkcd, Mr. Monroe does make a valid point. Even more valid if like me your library includes such gems as this and this and this.

I could REALLY use a break.

I'm getting a little tired of life kicking me in the balls. On top of a bunch of other not so fun shit... I had the perfect job lined up. Fun people, great technology, great location. I already knew a bunch of people their, and my skills were a letter for letter match to their reqs. I was a lock for the job. They called me yesterday to say they're filling it from within. The second time this has happened to me.

Sigh.... You ever wanna just give up? Seriously, WTF?

What I've learned tonight

A) My neck is big. Seriously, very few people have a neck as thick as mine. It's more than just a little weird.
B) Were I not married, I would spend the rest of my life trying to find a way to merge with GlaDOS. I don't think I've ever encountered any intelligence, artificial or organic, that seemed more intrinsically hard wired to my own sick conscious. BTW, if you haven't played Portal, you should.

"This was a triumph.
I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.
Aperture Science
We do what we must
because we can.
For the good of all of us.
Except the ones who are dead.
But there's no sense crying over every mistake.
You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.
And the Science gets done.
And you make a neat gun.
For the people who are still alive.
I'm not even angry.
I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because I was so happy for you!
Now these points of data make a beautiful line.
And we're out of beta.
We're releasing on time.
So I'm GLaD. I got burned.
Think of all the things we learned
for the people who are still alive.
Go ahead and leave me.
I think I prefer to stay inside.
Maybe you'll find someone else to help you.
Maybe Black Mesa
THAT WAS A JOKE.
HAHA. FAT CHANCE.
Anyway, this cake is great.
It's so delicious and moist.
Look at me still talking
when there's Science to do.
When I look out there, it makes me GLaD I'm not you.
I've experiments to run.
There is research to be done.
On the people who are still alive.
And believe me I am still alive.
I'm doing Science and I'm still alive.
I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive.
While you're dying I'll be still alive.
And when you're dead I will be still alive.
STILL ALIVE"

I bequeath a gift to thee

Enjoyest thee this olde however virtuous and worthy webbed site. Huzzah! Oh, and beware moors and the black death!

Hey Michael!

I just got home. If you need an ego stroke, I spent an hour or so here talking with some folks about how awesome you are.

The wisdom of Ms. A

Wisdom-->: "A full course malaria treatment costs $0.50. So saving one life can cost two shiny quarters. Since we've already tried to bring about peace for some time now by killing people how bout we try bringing peace by saving people. Maybe just for a few years to see how it works out."

So, for the cost of one months worth of war we could hook up 24 billion people with something that could save their lives? Huh. Seems like a pretty easy choice doesn't it? Remember that the next time you feel compelled to fill up your tank or vote republican (yeah, I know that the democrats are not much better). Would you rather drive to work for 10 dollars or save a human life? Yeah, they're probably worthless like the rest of humanity (I am seriously hoping for a cataclysm around 2012) but they deserve a chance to show how worthless they are. Who knows? One of those kids dying for no other reason than poverty might have the answer. I'd rather bet on that than betting that killing enough brown people will enable me to eat a blooming onion or drive a escalade across the street.

Well said, Senorita.

Bush says Iraq war was worth it

Let's see... do we trust the word of a known liar and retard or..."Nobel Prize-winning economist Joseph E. Stiglizt and Harvard University public finance expert Linda Bilmes have estimated the eventual cost at $3 trillion when all the expenses, including long-term care for veterans, are calculated."

Werewolf is boys

naked.

OK, I don't know WTF this is or why I'm even putting it here. I should probably just go to bed. Or howl. Whatever.

God I hate the internet.

To any marriage minded readers out there...

May I recommend Yvette's bridal. Prices so low, and a web site so horrible, you'll swear it's 1992!

Oh sure, tell EVERYONE why don't you?

I don't know about the rest of you, but this seems to be pretty accurate to me, with the possible exception of number 2. I don't really care what anyone else uses, and I'm not sure one of my choices in operating systems really says much about me as a person.

Greener than thou

I'm all for responsible choices, but some folks go a little far. "I'm a level 5 vegan!". Seriously, we all know you're just one strip of bacon away from falling off the wagon.

More Bulgarian Idol

Seriously, if you have some time to kill hop on youtube and check out some of the highlights from Bulgarian Music Idol. Ken Lee is probably the best, but it's only the beginning. If you're not soiling yourself from laughter, go have a drink or two and try again. If that doesn't work, you're probably dead and KEEP YOUR FOUL ZOMBIE ASS OFF MY PORCH.

Thanks Brandie

Ken Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee tulibu dibu douchoo!!!!!

P.S. I will never blog drunk again until the next time I blog drunk.

I have seen the future

It is Verka Serduchka. Seriously, this guy is made of awesome.

You sir...

should die in a motherf**king fire. "Waaaaa, I'm all butt hurt because someone pointed out that I'm a retard online".

Lucky

Good thing for this cop that he doesn't work in Portland. He would have had to endure the distinct possibility of being cited for reckless driving! Nah, who am I kidding he's a cop, he would have either walked or covered the whole thing up.

I just gotta wonder...

How much preventative health care, or education, or research into smarter energy or any one of a bunch of cool things we could have purchased for this much money? I also have to wonder what we got instead... Because I'm not seeing a lot of benefit, and it doesn't seem like many other people are seeing any either.

The bus ride home last night

Wow

Wait what?

Just the other day you were saying this and now you're saying this? The leader of the free world ladies and gentlemen. God, I hope Mr. McKenna was right. I've given up hope.

R.I.P. Gary Gygax

I have friends that are movie stars

OK, video stars.... OK, a friend has a good role in a video. This probably won't mean much to you if you're not a metal head, but 3 inches of blood is putting out some pretty good stuff in the "NWOBHM" style. Weird how everything old is new again. Anyway, they have a new video out for ‘Trial of Champions’ and my buddy Samson is in it. He's the long haired, bearded gladiator... A role this man was born to play. The only thing wrong with the video? Samson looses. Samson doesn't lose, just ask him.

Sigh.....

Does anyone actually listen to this guy anymore? Seriously, he could come out tomorrow and say "We're going to be the first nation to put 100 jars of peanut butter in to orbit because JESUS GETS HUNGRY" and I'd be all like "Meh. Another Bush press release".

I got nothing...

So here's this, I thought it was funny.

Cobain... Part II

Brandie, I hate to have to do this.... But you tried to paint GWAR fans (and I should know, I am one) with the same brush as KC fanboys. Yes, GWAR fans are dumb. All of us. Who else would sit around and giggle at full sized action figures singing songs like "F**king an animal", "Anti Anti-Christ", "The Obliteration Of Flab Quarv 7", and "Nitro Burning Funny Bong"? Who else would get excited at the rock and roll equivalent of a Gallagher show? However... we're not this dumb:

Part two of the "OMG KURT WAS SO AWSUM" guys conversation with me:

"wee will mett 2 hours frum now 0r u can call me at 254 342 2234 bitch kurn is awsum im goin to go dig up the corps of ur mommy now bitch!!"

Wow. And yes I did assume the identity of an under aged camwhore (complete with pictures stolen from Myspace), troll boards know for having a pedo population, and give his number out as a "really mature girl looking for older friends". I'm seeing something with Chris Hansen and an invitation to "have a seat" sometime in his future. I also posted it on a certain message board known for griefing people far beyond the point of humor.

What have we learned? 1) John REALLY needs to get back to work. 2) kurn is awsum 3) My mommies corps is probably being violated as we speak. Damn, that's sad. She loves the Marines SO MUCH. 4) Anyone who underestimates the lengths to which I will go for a laugh does so at their own peril.

In the immortal words of Ice Cube, I gotta say it was a good day.

John "cocked face fat watless pice of shitr, waiting to get his thout slit" Judy

Well... I think we all know

what needs to be done.

Happy Birthday Mr. Cobain

In your honor, I spent the day starting flame wars on YouTube. It's amazing how literate some of his fans are:

"UR A FUKIN CUNT ASS BITCH MOTHER FUKER I WANT TO SEE U GET WASTED ON HERION THEN LET ME C UR LIFE GET FUKED DONT EVER MAKE THAT COMENT AGIN OR I WILL FIND U N SLIT UR MOTHERFUKIN THOUT U COCKED FACE FAT I NO WHO U R MY FRIEND CZ UR ASS ERRDAY SOO SHUT IT B4 I KILL IT NIRVANA 4 LIFE ASS WHOLE RIP FUK U U FUKING WASTLESS PICE OF SHITR GOO FUK UR DEAD MOM U COCK SUKER!!"

Kurt Cobain... an errday hero. NIRVANA 4 LIFE!

John Judy... A cocked face fat watless pice of shitr, waiting to get his thout slit.

Sorry Brandie, it had to be done.

Random thought

Just watched an "American Experience" special on Kit Carson, and it reminded me of a sad fact. It's all too often, and a great injustice, that great men end up being the fulcrum for levers used by lesser men. There's something to be said for doing your own heavy lifting.

Or was it... MURDER?!

As some of you may know, CSI has been my constant companion during my "preemptive retirement". This might help explain why.

Sad to say

But I can't believe this doesn't happen more. FYI, I was a bicycle commuter in Portland for years. For several of those years, the commute was between 15 and 20 miles daily. For a couple of years, it put me in the same spot were this guy was killed. One of the reasons I stopped was Trimet drivers. They're careless, clueless and dangerous. I've had several crowd the bike lane while I was in, passing me withing inches. I've also have them speed up to get in front of me, swerve into the bike lane, and nail the brakes (too many times to count). I could go on, but I won't. Everyone who rides in PDX knows what I'm talking about. I always said it was just a matter of time before one of these sanctioned road ragers killed a cyclist. Sometimes it sucks to be right.

Valentine's Day

Shannon and her new burlesque troop, Sugar Q, will be performing here. Check it out, for good times and fun!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you....

My old boss:

OREGON CITY - The software engineer who killed himself Sunday at the Clackamas County Jail found the means inside his booking cell - a telephone with a foot-long cord.

Brian Truman Hebener, 51, was locked up alone when he hanged himself about 7:30 p.m. from the cord of a wall-mounted phone. Oregon City police arrested him earlier that evening after an altercation with a neighbor.

Phones are provided in nine of the jail's 10 booking cells for inmates to contact their lawyers, said sheriff's spokesman Sgt. Lee Eby. The handsets are designed with short cords to deter suicide attempts.

Eby said jail officials will review the phones as part of an internal investigation prompted by the suicide. "Maybe there's a better one out there," he said of the phone design. "We're reviewing it because we don't want this to happen again."

Between this and my link to this guy (I designed his print ads, renamed his business, and did a bunch of other marketing related work for him years ago), I think I might be cursed.

Oh and hey retarded cop? How about taking the phones out of the cells? How about supervised access to a communal phone? You know, "you been a bad boy so you don't get to use the grown up phone". I know cops aren't generally the brightest bulbs in the box but come on.. "Maybe there's a better one out there"? Dude, I've been drinking all night and it took me 7 seconds to come up with a better plan... And that plan was the best of three I thought of, ALL of which would work better than what you have now, and all of which took me 30 seconds to formulate. SRSLY, we give these morons guns and let them walk among us? WTF? I know children that could have figured this one out.

Mac vs. PC... How it should go.

Mac: Hi, I'm a Mac!

PC: And I'm a PC!

Mac: Do you ever feel that anthropomorphizing computers in a cynical effort to sell them to rich, white fucks from the West smacks of hubris when they are often assembled in third world countries which their manufacture also pollutes?

PC: Sure. Also, I resent the entire artificial division generated by this tediously formulaic advert which drives a wedge between otherwise intelligent and helpful computer users, regardless of their platform of choice.

Mac: Maybe the real enemy here is consumer culture and capitalist sensibility.

PC: You're right. They're just leveraging primitive tribal affiliations in order to line their pockets with our money.

Mac: How about we fucking kill every advertising executive?

PC: You're on /b/rother.

TC: Hi. I'm Scientology.

Mac/PC: We're coming for you later, fucker.

You know, some how it just works

The thing that really gets me about this is my hunch that if we removed the veneer of their art from both of them, I think Mr. Schultz and Mr. Bukowski would probably have far more in common than either would like to admit.

Well great

But we can still do... other... stuff... Damn, bested by bone marrow.

I have discovered

The next step in my evolution. Might need to upgrade the hardware a little, and swap out wine for soda, but the plan is rock solid.

Stupid words

I've always considered myself to be a guy with a pretty decent vocabulary. When I speak, people can easily grasp what I'm attempting to tell them, and I can throw in a 25 cent word here and there to look like a smart guy.

However, every now and then a word comes up and bite me. For years, I could not say "specifically". The word just would not leave my mouth without being first transmogrified (told you about those 25 cent words) into something like "specsdklfahgkl;jsdhgfdshg;lrsl". After attempting to say specifically I would spend the next 30 minutes attempting to free myself from my tongue, which had invariably wrapped itself around my head and lodged its tip in my nose.

Then there was album. Growing up, I heard "alblum"... so that's what I said. I was around 32 when someone (thanks Shannon) finally said "you know it's pronounced "album". I didn't believe and had to look it up. I still like my word better. The extra L makes the world roll off the tongue MUCH easier. Album has a choppy, staccato feel to it that just doesn't seem right. Way too Latin.

And today I was stabbed in the back by remuneration. Once again, for some reason I've always heard "renumeration" so that's what I said. So, when I thought I was asking for payment, I was actually asking to be counted again. Apparently, this error is more common than the album one, but it still makes me feel like one of those "wai u gotta b hatin' on me" types.

Dammit!!!

I need to go to bed but planet of the apes JUST started!!!! No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Among the many things I love about this movie is a statement on humanity made in the beginning, We find life... A single, isolated, lonely, fragile example of life... fighting for survival. What do we do upon discovering a unique example of life on a foreign world? Kill it, of course.

Well, about an hour and change to go...

Till this little friend says hi. Hoping for the worst, expecting the best. Yay for space rocks! Anyway, we had a good run. I kissed my wife goodbye and I'm drinking wine. That's good enough for me.