On turning 40

It appears I have, through no effort of my own, stumbled through yet another milepost. My thirties are now in the rear view mirror.

I've tried to attach some meaning to the event, in hopes of securing its place in my memory, and thus far have failed. The failure is what I find interesting though. Much like my run in with cancer, it simply feels like another thing I've lived through and put behind me. Where's my life changing epiphany? Where is my renewed sense of purpose? Where is my clarified vision of my future? I read countless stories of people in similar positions gaining benefit of one sort or another when encountering these types of challenges... But it doesn't seem to work that way for me.

Maybe it's my tendency to not focus on the future. I guess your life can't change much when you don't spend a lot of time thinking about it. I've had enough gut punches delivered by fate that I tend to look behind for another one, rather than forward to see what's next. I've got to stop that (yeah, right). You go where you're looking.

Maybe there's something better on the way that will make all this seem inconsequential, and I'm subconsciously getting ready for it?

Maybe things that this don't really matter as much as people think they do, and I'm silly for attempting to find meaning?

I don't know. The one thing I do know is that for the first time in my life, I actually feel old. Worn down. Burdened. Tired. Feeble.

I feel like I didn't wind up where I wanted to be, and I don't think there's enough time left to get there... So I have to find a new "there"... But I don't know how.

Anyway, my advice on aging is don't.