The amazing shrinking John.... The saga continues

Hit 225 today. My body fat percentage has gone from obese to firmly in the overweight region.

Back when I was racing bicycles, I tipped the scale at between 215 and 220. Soooooo close. My legs aren't as awesome as they were then, but my arms look better and really what do chicks dig more than two tickets to the gun show? NOTHING that's what!

I still haven't cashed my KFC check, but I will... I will.

The bad thing? I need new pants. Seriously, even my skinny jeans are too big now. Put this on top of the fact that I broke my KLR (again) and this will be an expensive month for John. I guess I can don my new vest and make a little cash.

I am a little pissed to find out I could have just been popping these things instead of doing daily doubles 5 days a week.

Our weekend

July has been made of awesome. We capped it off with another trip to Pendleton. I would tell you about it, but Shannon did a much better job so this is a PERFECT opportunity for me to plug her blog.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you strippylongstocking.com. Dive into all the awesomeness that is Shannon.

A hero's story

Apparently, I'm not the only one who sees the clear and present danger presented by bees and their ilk. Though I don't have a white leather clad Arab to assist me in my battle, battle on I will.

Hallelujah! He speaks English!

Apparently, I'm not the only one who's a little tired of the Obama as second coming business. Yes, it's nice to have someone who can string a sentence together speaking for America for a change... But c'mon you know it's mostly just the same old shit in another package.

I almost feel sorry for zombie McCain. I've always liked and respected the guy, and in a different world (Bush free) I may have even voted for him (I tend to vote for people and issues, not parties). However I don't think he's got a snowballs chance in hell and he really comes off bad in comparison.

Anyway, thanks to the British for their advanced sense of satire and thanks to my Aunt Carol for pointing this out.

It's all in the context I guess....

For some reason this headline struck me as odd. Is she scared that she'll be forced to rape an entire city?

"Whew! Am I glad! I have finally left "city". Now I can be happy."
"Uh, we're going to have to ask you to return to "city". Actually, we insist."
"What? Why? Did I forget something."
"Um, no. We need you to rape "city". All of it. The whole place."
"Crap."

Understandable. That's a lot of rape. Or is there a place called Rape City that she doesn't want to return to? Again, understandable. Imagine going to Rape City....

"Hey Dad, where are we going on vacation this year? Disneyland? Yellowstone?"
"No, Billy. We're going to Rape City!!!!"
"Boo. I hate you Dad"
"I know Billy... I know."

On motorcycling

For those of you that don't know, I love motorcycles. I got my first dirt bike around 10 and my first street bike at 17. I've owned many, many bikes and I've loved every one for different reasons.

As one of the cornucopia of lucky breaks I've had in my life, I managed to stumble across a woman who may not love the machines as much as I do (or perhaps does, but not in the same way), but shares my love of operating them.

As I was contemplating these two things this weekend, it occurred to me that I had actually found what millions and millions of people search their whole lives for.

When I am on the motorcycle with Shannon, exploring a unknown road, on a perfect day, I firmly believe I am experiencing true happiness in the most absolutely literal sense of the words. I really couldn't ask for more. I want nothing else. I am complete.

While I was riding, I remember fervently and repeatedly hoping that if there is a "heaven", it's a place where I get to ride new roads with Shannon, seeing new sights, meeting new people.... forever. The time I spend doing it seems to pass so quickly, and no matter how long we spend traveling this way I never want to stop. I believe given the time I could ride every road on the Earth, stop at every interesting small town bar, stay in every funky hotel, swap stories with every gas station attendant, and when I was done my only wish would be to ship the bike to the next planet and do it all over again.

I intend to write an essay on why motorcycles are capable of bringing this sort of satori about, but not yet. There's too much to say. I'll make a feeble attempt at some point, but for now I'll say that those of you who do it know what I'm talking about... which is why you do it. Suffice to say, something magical happens when you trade the destination for the journey. It kinda looks like this:



OK.. OK... Lest any of you think I'm not the moron you've come to know and tolerate, my version of heaven includes killing bugs... Don't wanna get too existential :)

OMG a shark!!!!!

Worse than bees? No.

229! The amazing shrinking John part II.

I have officially earned my KFC reward. Yes it's gross but god help me I love it so. However, instead of claiming my reward, I intend to truck my ass back out to Hamley's this weekend and have a steak... and some bourbon... and perhaps another dip in the pool. I'll spare you the photo this time.

4th of July

We had a great time. LOTS of motorcycle miles, met cool people, found a great restaurant, etc. etc. However, I did take a break from my recent excursion into sobriety. John + Bourbon + Swimming pool =



Also, that is a steak distended belly. Seriously, not that fat. No really. Thanks, Hamley's.

Also the water was cold. Just sayin'. Thanks Andy, you dick.

10 Things You Can Like About $4 Gas

I think this article brings about some interesting points, though I fear that many of them are wishful thinking rather than fact. I do however think they missed my personal favorite.... Schadenfreude. Personally, I get a big kick out of watching the morons driving hummers and escalades suffering. The way I see it, we're moving very, very slowly towards a world where stupidity is painful and I couldn't be happier.

Do you believe me now?

Well you should! This time they took control of a truck in their never ending quest for STINGING!!! Seriously, they're getting smarter and meaner BY THE DAY! WAKE UP PEOPLE!

Every thorn has its rose...

Being murdered - Thorn

In Festus (LOL) - Rose

OMG It's my worst nightmare

When this happens in Portland (and it will... I've warned you all countless times), all you will see is a streak of smoke heading out of town. That streak will be the smoke left by John, running from the apian horde.

"Strong said the experts onsite have reported the situation is under control and there is no reason for the public to panic.

However, anyone with bee allergies and at a risk of anaphylactic shock should leave the area until the situation has been resolved, Strong said."

Bullshit. They ALWAYS say the "situation is under control". Those are the last words you hear before you perish in a storm of buzzing and stinging! ANYONE WHO WANTS TO LIVE should get the hell out of there PRONTO!!!! Bees are flying packets of sting and hate! Honey is only a by product of the sting production process! These ones are mad (like all bees) and READY FOR WAR (also, like all bees).

Jesus for President

Sigh... Listen, if you folks want to have imaginary friends that's OK. If you want to blindly follow the 213,432,453,123,429,783rd hand teachings of someone who lived thousands of years ago in a culture you couldn't possible understand, that's great. Just please, KEEP THIS SHIT TO YOURSELVES.

Also, why am I not surprised that the idea came from someone who looks like this:



"DUDE I SMOKED THE BIBLE & NOW I HAS KNOWLEDGE! BOB MARLEY LIVES IN MY RASTA VIBES! GOT ANY SPARE CHANGE?".

Who would Jesus vote for? Who knows/cares? It's like asking how Lucy would fair on the NASCAR circuit. It's a stupid question asked by stupid people.

Is sewer horse watching you?

yes.

The more they try to bring him down...

The more they convince me I picked the right horse in this race. "He's the guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini and a cigarette that stands against the wall and makes snide comments about everyone." Sounds like my kind of guy. After 8 years of the dipshit with the hummer drinking a natty ice, I'm ready for a guy who realizes that the lowest common denominator is not always the best thing to be. Seriously, do you want James Bond running the country or Larry the Cable Guy?

An interesting take...

...on the political and military (not to mention moral) bankruptcy of the current war in Iraq by a Marine. Basically, he's stating that if you ignore (or force others to ignore) evidence that you've made a mistake in deciding to engage, and you apply correctly military doctrine in that engagement, you succeed in turning what could be your greatest asset into your greatest liability.

Taking this a bit further, another fundamental tenet of armed conflict is to disguise both your strengths and your weaknesses. Interestingly enough, in the current conflict we've managed to put ourselves into a situation where doing this is next to impossible, so the fact that we've made the mistake of preserving in a mistaken course is broadcast to those who have been praying we would do just that.

And here we go...

I wondered how long it would take for these assholes to chime in.

"Evangelicals are people who take Bible interpretation very seriously, and the sort of speech he gave shows that he is worlds away in the views of evangelicals". Which is exactly why thinking people (as opposed to evangelicals) should be looking at Obama, and while I'll be voting for him.

Here is everything you need to know about evangelicals, summed up in one image:

G.I. John

As part of a Army program to encourage employers not to be dicks to their employees who serve in the National Guard, Nick and I were invited to spend a day at Fort Lewis and participate in operation "Tacoma Thrust" (LOL). As a fan and student of all thing military, I was needless to say thrilled.

The day started with a run through of a field tactical operations center and an MRE. The TOC was a real eye-opener. Anyone who's studied how military organizations and conflict knows that more than anything it's all about logistics. I knew this coming into it, but I was blown away by just how organized these guys are. Also, while the MRE gets a bad rap, and while I'm certain my opinion would change were I to eat them everyday as a soldier in the field, I like 'em. It's a whole bunch of easy to prepare and pretty damn edible food in a nice little bag. I had hot roast beef and veggies... I'd eat it again. Also, you can use the heating chemicals to make a little bomb, which is awesome.

Next was the short distance firing range. This is where soldiers get comfortable and proficient with their weapons in the situations where they'll most likely be using them... Distances of 50 meters or less. We were given a short course on the M4 and M68 CCO and then were treated to the best part of the day... Getting a little return on my tax dollars by expending a few hundred rounds of military ammo. The weapons is very light, easy to operate, accurate, and FUN. Burst mode, while perhaps not super useful in a tactical situation, is AWESOME for wasting ammo and killing paper men.

We then took part in a training exercise. Basically, it was a simualted convoy being attacked by simulated bad guys. This was a real eye-opener. Getting a bunch of shit from point A to point B while people are trying to kill you is not a trivial task. Here's us getting attacked by a simulated IED and a simulated grenade. By the way, the video does no justice to how loud those things are.

Finally, a truly terrible dinner at the base chow hall and we were off. Personally, I think anyone who eats in the place deserves a medal. Another MRE would have been better.

Anyway, I've always had respect for soldiers. While anyone who knows me knows my opinion of the current war (the Iraq part anyway), I think our soldiers deserve our empathy, support, and the best tools we can give them. My experience on the base enlighted me as to just how hard these folks work and what a bunch of polite, nice, bright people they really are. They don't always get the thanks they should, and I think if everyone could get a little first hand experience with the how hard they work (even in training) that might change.

Anyway, here's some pictures.

Hoo Rah!

More later, but this was my Saturday.

Yes, we fired these weapons.

Yes, it was awesome.